It's Not Always As It Seems

Photo Credit: Deborah Leigh (Migraine Chick) via Compfight cc

Most of the posts I write on this blog are to share with the world what I am doing in my classroom or what I'm learning from my opportunities. If you've followed along since I began this blog in the summer of 2011 you'll know that I have learned a lot of new things and I've been fortunate to have been involved with many incredible projects. I've changed the way I teach. I've also changed  my thinking around what I believe is best for my students.  But my focus has always been on the little people that greet me at my classroom door each and every day.  It is for them that I work so hard.

But things aren't always as they seem .  There are many days that I am in way over my head and I'm filled with self doubt.  Am I doing what's best for my students? Am I changing too quickly?  Am I expecting too much of myself or my students? I am a high achiever, and good never seems to be good enough.

Twitter has introduced me to some of the most amazing educators ever.  They are educators I can't speak highly enough about. They are true experts in their fields whether it be 1:1 iPad integration, connecting students globally, numeracy instruction, literacy love, or social emotional health.  They push my thinking to places I've never been before.  I have these amazing conversations with them and they literally make my brain hurt.  Literally, headache type hurt, and not typical stress, migraine, or tension type headaches. Brain spinning headaches.

I know that I have people in my district (and beyond) that truly believe in me, and what I am doing in my classroom with my students.  Many take the time to tell me such, and they have no idea how much that means to me.  But far too often I feel that I am doing my thing in isolation.

There are people in my district (and beyond) who cause me to self doubt myself too.  I feel like they are just waiting for me to fail so they can say , "I told you so".    I feel like I am constantly proving myself to them.  It's a weird feeling, and on nights like tonight, it makes me feel sad.

At one time someone innocently said to me that I was getting the opportunities that I was getting because I was a favourite. That hurt, and  it still does.  And I know that it was said with complete innocence. But it makes me wonder, who else is thinking that?  Inside of me I truly believe the opportunities are coming my way because I am working so darn hard.  I am up near the front of the pack, exploring ways that have not been tried by many in my district.  And I am sharing what I'm doing with the world and putting myself in a completely vulnerable position.  I am doing everything I can to help those that are wanting to learn, while at the same time trying to learn as much as I can for myself.  It's a tricky balance point at times.  Most days I think I have the balance figured out, but at times, like this evening, I have my doubts.

Thankfully the only constant in life is change, and this feeling of insecurity shall pass.